Standing Naked
July 1st, 2009 § 1 Comment
For most of my life I have been active. I would eat a full bag of candy a day but go to the gym for 2 hours 6 days a week. I took pride in my contradiction. Growing up, I watched my mom dominate the stairmaster with weights in each hand and strapped to her ankles. She was a machine and I took great pride knowing that my mom could kick any of those other workout ladies asses. Strength was attractive and I knew the importance activity played in that.
When I was 18, my roommate told me that although I wasn’t heavy – I could stand to lose a few pounds. It was in that moment that my body became the focus of my every insecurity. I would stand naked in front of the mirror and pinch my stomach fat. I would look at my ass in dressing rooms mirrors and curse every bump and pucker. I religiously wrote down every calorie I consumed in a notebook that I carried in my purse and if I ever went over 1,000 calories, I would workout extra long to be sure to undo the damage. I watched skinny girls at the gym and wondered how they looked so skinny and cute without breaking a sweat? Meanwhile I was doing countless amounts of squats with the grace and beauty of a Russian power lifter. I began to wonder if my genes were cursed because their asses looked so cute in jeans while mine just looked…wide. I worked out like a maniac, restricted calories and found great triumph when I went to bed hungry. While I was skinny, it wasn’t the body I wanted. When I looked in the mirror my ass was still flabby albeit smaller and I was unhealthy and frustrated.
12 years later, I still struggle with my body because it isn’t the body I want. Often times I become so fed up with working out because it never frees me from the body that I spend so many hours on the treadmill trying to run away from. To make matters worse, I’m in a relationship with someone who prefers Mountain Dew to water, Slim Jim’s to chicken and Frappucino’s to coffee. As a result, my jeans are tighter, I have become a huge fan of tunics and the days I feel ugly, far outweigh the days I feel mildly attractive.
Anyone who has been in a relationship will tell you that they make staying fit tough. Early morning gym trips become harder when you have someone warm to snuggle up to, eating is harder to regulate because most meals are in restaurants. Not to mention the trips to the movies — which means buckets of delicious artificial butter flavored popcorn and sometimes an even larger sized bucket – - because after all it is just $.25 more! Relationships equal more food, more wine, more desserts and less working out.
Two months ago I decided I had enough. I was tired of looking at old pictures of me and not being able to see them as anything more than a barometer of how thin I “use to be.” I decided I was going on a fitness journey and Paul could join me or not. I vowed that if he ordered a tub of popcorn, I would be satisfied with the low fat popcorn I snuck into the theatre in my purse. If he wanted to eat everything the planet had to offer on the weekends, I would be nothing more than a spectator for the event. I had to stop blaming him for my jeans not fitting and take ownership over my ever increasing circumference.
A friend told me about free exercise videos On Demand through my cable company. Mind you I had to get over my current perception of workout videos. I was a “sweat and work out until the world begins to go a little fuzzy” kind of person. To me, workout videos were Jane Fonda, make up, hairsprayed bangs and leg warmers. They were for stay at home mom’s that wanted to work out but didn’t want to break a sweat which would require a shower seeing as they were so pressed for time. I was more of a, “sweat so much that there are salt deposits left on my clothing” kind of girl. My idea of a workout was sweat, pain, grunting and all other things unladylike and left me wanting to take a nap.
But I swallowed my hesitiation and found the DVR’s of Jillian Michaels. You know that, tough as nails, no ounce of fat on me, athletic, hard nosed girl from Biggest Loser. I figured she was the closest I would come to getting a hard boot camp like workout in the comfort of my living room. I found it promising that she wasn’t wearing leg warmers and didn’t have a stitch of makeup on.
After 20 minutes this 8 mile, 5 times a week runner was on the floor begging for the sweet lord to take me. My legs were burning, my lungs were heaving and I was dripping with sweat. I was sold! A 45 minute workout with her left me feeling much like I do after 2 hours spent in the gym.
2 months after incorporating her workouts 3 times a week along with my running regimen I am tone and, more importantly, have arrived at it in a healthy way. I went bikini shopping last week stood in front of the mirror naked holding my breath as I turned to look at my butt in the full length three way mirror. While it is still not perfect – I find a tremendous amount of pride in its current state. I worked half of my ass off to get that derriere and by god, who am I not to give it the respect it deserves.
This was a great post. I love how honest and open you were with your struggle. Thanks for the read.