Marshmellow Fluff

The first thing I did when I found out Paul lost his job was Googled, “what to do when your fiance loses his job”.  I figured Google can always answer the most obscure of my questions, it was sure to have an answer for me in this situation.  All I found were stories about how wives were pissed that their husbands lost their jobs and spent the day playing “World of Warcraft” instead of emptying the dishwasher. So, like the one time I looked to Google to tell me why the nail on my third toe fell off, Google was useless and it’s answers irrelevant.  Because Paul doesn’t play World of Warcraft and I haven’t walked barefoot in sewage.

Even before Paul lost his job, I knew the basics of how not to react in such a situation.  This included: crying, falling to my knees and shouting, “why God, why!!?” as loud as I could while shaking my fists at the sky, asking what he did to deserve it, and declaring to him in a community theatre voice, “the role of bacon winner, will now be starring me!”  To make our situation even more complicated, I struggled with how to be supportive when he’s been laid off three months before a wedding we’ve only paid 1/10th of.

After Google failed to answer my question, I looked to another trusted source…magazines.  I should have been suspicious of magazines before expecting them to solve my problem.  SELF has promised me I would lose 5 lbs in a week and has failed to do so thus far.  US Magazine tries to convince me that “stars are just like me!” because they shop at the grocery store and play with their kids on the swings. But they lie, because I’ve seen no stars with a shopping cart filled with mochi ice cream, carrot cake and apple pie.  So, stars are not just like me, unless stars worry about how they are going to pay rent or rely on their spouses unemployment check to buy groceries.  So, magazines are liars and Google is useless.

One magazine article said, “job-loss is a time to reconsider your career path-to get back to doing what you love or what you were meant to do”.  It went on to say one should think about what you wanted to be around 7-10 years old because that is when you weren’t consumed by adult thoughts of doubt, money worries and status, and that is your true calling.

This may work for some people, but all that tells me is I’m meant to be a professional Cadbury Egg eater or a ballerina, both of which are in direct conflict with one another.  I once dated a guy who dated a professional ballerina before me, this was disheartening for both of us. He made his disdain for my birthing hips and ice cream thighs clear.  I’m not ballerina material and I certainly cannot put away Cadbury Eggs like I use to…for a myriad or reasons.  So, this article was pointless for me and inapplicable to Paul, since he cannot remember ever forming thoughts of what he wanted to be beyond James Bond.

I need an article that has the magic remedy and necessary steps to take that will help Paul find a job in 2 months or less.  The exact time needed for us to still be able to financially pull off the wedding with little damage done to our honeymoon budget.  So, I’ve had to learn to navigate this time on my own, without the help of the internet.  Thanks a lot Al Gore, your invention is useless to me.

What I ‘ve learned is it comes down to trying to make things feel as normal as possible.  In a way, we are playing house.  I leave for work everyday and start his cup of coffee while he struggles to wake up, Paul hated mornings even when he was gainfully employed.  I still make lunch for him everyday, even if he is just going to sit and eat it on the couch while he watches Judge Judy.  And when I get home I resist the urge to grill him on how many resumes he sent out, what exactly he did to pass his time at Starbucks and question him about why no one is calling yet to schedule interviews.  He may be unemployed, but he is still an adult, so I should try to be an adult myself and not pepper him with a counter-productive line of questioning.

For men, job loss is emotional.  It’s a swift kick in the nuts to numb them just enough before completely castrating them.  Men identify with their careers, they define themselves by what they do, so it makes sense that when they are laid off, they’re lost.  Luckily, I have found this state doesn’t last forever.  At first, it was traumatizing to see him so defeated.  And, it was a little annoying that he assumed he would play the role of, “incessant worrier and pessimist” without even checking with me first, to see if it was okay that I had to give up a role which I played so expertly.  But after 2 weeks the clouds cleared and he began acting like himself again.  His determination to make this into a positive experience and a good process is growing stronger with each day.  Luckily the money we saved for the wedding is being redirected to more important things, like making ends meet while we are in this situation.  A honeymoon after the wedding would be nice, but not so much worth the trade off for our current residence.

The hardest part about job loss for someone you love is to trust the process.  To have faith that everything will work out and be okay.  To hold onto the idea that I love him because he is hard-working and determined and trust that he will fight this obstacle with as much determination.  And on other days, when he is worried or sad or it is just too much…it’s okay if he plays video games for an hour or two, after all what fun is being unemployed if you can’t enjoy it while it lasts?