The Art of Falling Apart
June 23rd, 2010 § 5 Comments
I haven’t dreamt of my wedding since I was a young girl. Most of my time was spent obsessing over trying to get a boy to be interested in me. Turns out, that could have been rectified by spending more time figuring out how to get away from bifocals, perms and cheese danishes. Back then, I would have settled for a kiss…imagining a boy ever wanting to get close enough for me to kiss him was far-fetched enough so the thought of one wanting to marry me…well, that thought could have possibly caused my head to explode.
It has taken me a while to get used to this whole, “getting married” business. I’m not a gusher, so when people ask, “How is the wedding planning going?” My first inclination isn’t to rattle off the colors of the wedding, the designer of my dress and all the details of our choreographed first dance together. My response is always, “fine”, which is apparently not the standard response since this is typically followed by dead silence and an awkward stare. People must think I’m not happy about getting married because I don’t brain dump every last detail of my impending nuptials for them to devour. But for me, it feels strange to talk about it. I’m still getting used to the idea myself, but that doesn’t mean I’m not excited. That doesn’t mean I haven’t spent many afternoons trying to figure out my new signature, or thinking about a suitable song to walk down the aisle to. I just haven’t had enough time to really sit in the idea of being a bride, planning a wedding or getting married.
The wedding planning process has, in many ways been dampened by family drama and emergencies, and more recently by Paul being laid off. You know those people who have been shot in the face or mauled by a gorilla or stricken with an incurable disease, and Oprah or Ellen are interviewing their family and friends and their friends and family are all, “Joe is such a man of strength. He has no lower jaw or eyes, or a nose, or teeth but he has never spent a moment feeling sorry for himself or asking, “why me”.” Apparently this is the exact opposite of the kind of person I am. When I first heard Paul lost his job I felt strong… “This is a chance for something better. ”This is happening for a reason”. And then, the next morning I figured out what the reason was-to drive me to the brink of insanity and punish me for living my previous life, as what could only be reasonably determined to be a murdered of puppies and small cute well-behaved children- because, why else would such terrible things be happening to me? And so, I spent the next two weeks asking, in every language I know how to speak, ”Why me?” I said it in the bathroom with the water running so Paul couldn’t hear me. I said it in the car on the way to work. I said it in my office with the door closed…and open. I said it to friends, to my mom, to co-workers and quite possibly, to a handful of strangers.
I could see Paul trying his best to be strong for me. And I did my best to be strong for him. I told him I didn’t need a wedding. Heck, I hadn’t even thought I would ever have a wedding until 6 months ago when he proposed. It wasn’t like I was a girly girl who dreamed of her wedding from the moment she could form the words, “Gimmie!”. I wasn’t the girl who swooned over bridal magazines and tulle. I would be fine without the wedding. ”It’s a big ole’ waste of money anyhow”….right? But when I told Paul this, he looked at me and said, “But you deserve a wedding” that is when I realized…I already had what I deserved-A guy who respects me, one who didn’t spend the beginning of our relationship playing games. One that didn’t leave me waiting by the phone, willing it to ring. I deserved a guy who made me want to put his happiness before my own-an idea that was like telling me to breathe underwater. I deserved someone who put my happiness before their own-someone who believed in me and knew that I dreamed of opening a bakery and supported the idea…even though they knew the profits at bakeries were the kind that meant many Ramen dinners. I deserved someone who could talk me off the ledge when I was worried about money, or people not liking me, or not being good enough. And I had all of that and more in the person I was marrying. Suddenly, the wedding became more important than anything. Not the flower part of the wedding, not the cake, not the decorations, not the limo we would take from the hotel to the ceremony and back to the hotel again. What became important was the wedding itself. The idea of having everyone I loved more than anything on the planet (and some distant relatives that we never see but have to invite anyway because our parents tell us we need to) there to witness me marrying the guy I love more than anything on the planet-the guy I never thought I would find. The wedding isn’t about the food, or the cake or the flowers it’s about the journey. The trauma surrounding Paul and I has brought us closer together. The turmoil has shown us that in crisis, we are good together and in times of calm, we are even better. Had Paul of not lost his job, I may have never known that my love for him wasn’t based on the fact that he was stable and could pay for nice dinners and pointless Valentine’s Day gifts. Had there been no drama surrounding my family, I may of never known that Paul wouldn’t judge me for one very dysfunctional family member. The struggle has made me realize, something I already had faith in…I am marrying the perfect person for me. The person who makes all the trouble so very worth it.
Even though our wedding journey has been plagued by potholes, pitfalls and self-pity I am now onto a new horizon. And to be honest, some days are easier than others…but it wouldn’t be a journey if it were easy. Paul is still jobless, I am still 10 lbs. heavier than I would like…but if you want to hear about my wedding I am ready to gush…because it is going to be the best wedding you have ever laid your eyes on!
I loved everything about this post
Congratulations on being engaged!!! enjoy planning the day that you get to show the world your love 
Life has strange ways of making us stronger. Together our loves bonds even stronger. Sounds like you and Paul have a terrific relationship! Together the two of you will over come great adversity and grow stronger and happier together as you have not yet dreamed possible. The two of you are unique, indescribeable and indestructable.
That’s what love is all about.
Take care.
@Cinnamon-I am sorry to hear about his dad. I guess life goes on…no matter if we have a wedding to plan or not. I guess as long as we continue on with as much grace through the process, that is all we can hope for, right? And of course, we can always lose our sh$t in the bathroom with the door closed and the shower running
@Charity- thanks for your kind words and for continuing to read. I always appreciate knowing people are there listening.
Oh my God, I feel like you wrote this for me. I’ve just started getting in to the wedding planning and 2 days ago we found out the boy’s dad has cancer. After the initial shock and pain we have dealt with thinking about his dad having cancer we both secretly whispered to each other, “why did this have to happen now? Now that we have decided to get married and the drama of life has now overshadowed our joy and planning?” We’re feeling sorry for ourselves and I feel so selfish for it, because for Gods-sakes a man has cancer, and then I read this. In the midst of all the drama and sadness and loss and fear and pity I suppose it brings you back to the real point of relationships, love and support and family. This was a great post.
This is so beautiful! I hope you have a great wedding!