why my wedding might be a mess of bolero jackets and wrinkles
September 3rd, 2010 § 1 Comment
I downloaded an iPhone app that counts down the days until our wedding, and today I was all, “holy hell! I have 43 days to lose the last 10 pounds that I have been trying to lose since my Junior year of high school!” And then I finished eating my Raisin Bran and looked at the clock wondering how long until it was lunchtime, because I was starving!
People shouldn’t marry before they are 30. Anytime earlier you are much too young and naive and still have precious years to spend on drinking too much, making out with all the wrong people and doing things you know you will regret but are way too drunk to care. Only in some remote instances do people who marry younger, make it to a milestone anniversary. And in some cases, like my best friend Jenny, marrying young can actually work out. Jenny and her hubby have an all too normal marriage for a couple married since they were 12, or whatever, maybe they were 20 something…same difference. My point is they were young, their wedding was perfect, they have two beautiful kids, own their own home and manage a respectable adult-like lifestyle with bills and responsibility and crap. But that isn’t a typical case. Most people marry in their early twenties, spend all too much time getting caught up in the wedding and forget to focus on the marriage. Then, 5-10 years later they hate each other, have 3 kids, are divorced and back in the clubs wondering why everyone they hit on looks so young and surprised to find they don’t recognize any of the music being played.
But then, as I wolf down my 4 cupcakes on a Friday night, which, by the way, I recently found out is not a normal thing to do, because when I casually said, “I ate 4 cupcakes last night”, the room went silent and people looked at me all disgusted. But whatever, judge my cupcake passion if you will, but what you should focus your disgust on, is the fact that I complain about how I can’t lose a pound, even though I run 25 miles a week, yet fail to recognize that maybe with less mileage on the cupcake highway, I could wear a bikini without a burka over it.
Because I love food and am insatiably hungry, I now see the positive of getting married in your early twenties. When I was younger I could binge eat cartons of ice cream, have a ho-ho filled breakfast and drink a case of beer and only gain a pound. And when I wanted to lose 5 pounds I would cut down from 3 beers to 2, run 1 extra mile and voila! Magically I would lose the weight. Getting married in your thirties means you are more aware of your body and your metabolism. You contemplate that stupid bolero jacket that comes with every hideous “mother of the bride” dress because you too, are now aware that your upper arms are beginning to wiggle. You can’t just “tan” anymore because instead of giving you that healthy glow it gives you an orange mottled appearance because you have entered the hormonal hyper-pigmentation years. Getting married in your thirties has the upside of a lower risk for divorce but it has a higher percentage of being fat at your wedding. I realize this could all be rectified by not eating my way thorough the day, but let’s be honest, I am too weak for that amount of willpower.
I have 42 more days! So if you need me I will be on a quest to find a self-tanner that doesn’t make me look like Snookie, attempting to cut down on my “second breakfast” habit and running on the treadmill like cracked out Forrest Gump.
ok, wait just one minute!! What about bolero jackets?
and hideous “mother of the bride” dress?
mom