Marshmellow Fluff

There is a story that talks of a young Buddhist who, on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher, “Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river”?

The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back, “My son, you are on the other side”.

Simply put, life is perception.

Reality is or isn’t based on what your expectations are, what you perceive to be a good or bad situation.  If you ask me, my first perception of 2011 is that it’s been a horrific year.  Quite possibly the hardest of my life thus far.  Filled with letting go, death of those I love; three times over, death of what I hoped would be my future, and a great deal of pain.  This year, I said goodbye to my beloved dog Jack, who was part of my life for 13 years.  I said goodbye to my Grandfather, who left this earth as I was holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him, and I said goodbye to my Father, forcing me to accept my relationship with him, with no choice but to embrace the permanency with no chance to ever improve or better it.

2011 brought about opportunities for me to stretch myself, to learn to love someone even when drowning in fear.  To embrace the idea that I have never been in control of my life, or anyone else’s.  2011 has taught me that there is comfort in finding faith in the things you cannot see, and the things you can.  Like an unexplained white hummingbird crossing my sight line on the days I asked for a sign that things would be okay.  2011 has taught me humility, as I learned that my way is not always right, and there is more dignity in allowing others to find their own path.

Through all the pain this year, there have been countless blessings in return.  As a practicing “worse case scenario” person, I learned the freedom of letting go.  Where once, when life went smoothly, I waited in anticipation for the inevitable tragedy that waited in the midst.  I have begin relearning how to live in the moment.  How tragic to live a life where when something great happened, I braced myself for the moment I would be robbed of it.  Like when I told my in-laws the amazing news of my pregnancy, I fought the urge to ask them not to get too excited because I was only 6 weeks along-sure that something would go wrong with the pregnancy.  My inability to live in the moment may have been a safe place for me to feel in control, but it was robbing me of so many moments that I deserved to find joy in.

In 2012, I don’t have any resolutions, ask any person in a crowded gym on January 2nd waiting in line for a treadmill how they feel about resolutions.  Instead, I resolve to live my life differently, to set on a path of lifelong change, no matter if it takes me until the end of 2012 or 2027 to complete.  I resolve to live my life without feeling the need to control it.  To have faith that I am strong enough to deal with any situation that may come my way, without the need to be in constant preparedness for it.  I resolve to give up control, realizing life isn’t mine to control.  I will forgive myself when things don’t work out as I  planned, I will allow myself to say no to things without it being a direct reflection of me being a bad person or not caring.  I will take care of myself, as well as I care for others, I will be kind to myself and forgive myself quickly, I will enjoy life in the moment and will stop anticipating despair.  I will live life on life’s terms and embrace the never-ending changing landscape of life, trusting that it is all part of the plan.  I will find hope in the unknown.

In 2012, I will focus on all the things I am grateful for, and will soak up every moment of joy that comes my way, which I know will be in abundance.

Happy New Year everyone, may your 2012 and beyond be filled with joy in abundance and the wisdom to see it for all it is.

xo