Joy and Pain
December 28th, 2011 § 2 Comments
There is a story that talks of a young Buddhist who, on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher, “Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river”?
The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back, “My son, you are on the other side”.
Simply put, life is perception.
Reality is or isn’t based on what your expectations are, what you perceive to be a good or bad situation. If you ask me, my first perception of 2011 is that it’s been a horrific year. Quite possibly the hardest of my life thus far. Filled with letting go, death of those I love; three times over, death of what I hoped would be my future, and a great deal of pain. This year, I said goodbye to my beloved dog Jack, who was part of my life for 13 years. I said goodbye to my Grandfather, who left this earth as I was holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him, and I said goodbye to my Father, forcing me to accept my relationship with him, with no choice but to embrace the permanency with no chance to ever improve or better it.
2011 brought about opportunities for me to stretch myself, to learn to love someone even when drowning in fear. To embrace the idea that I have never been in control of my life, or anyone else’s. 2011 has taught me that there is comfort in finding faith in the things you cannot see, and the things you can. Like an unexplained white hummingbird crossing my sight line on the days I asked for a sign that things would be okay. 2011 has taught me humility, as I learned that my way is not always right, and there is more dignity in allowing others to find their own path.
Through all the pain this year, there have been countless blessings in return. As a practicing “worse case scenario” person, I learned the freedom of letting go. Where once, when life went smoothly, I waited in anticipation for the inevitable tragedy that waited in the midst. I have begin relearning how to live in the moment. How tragic to live a life where when something great happened, I braced myself for the moment I would be robbed of it. Like when I told my in-laws the amazing news of my pregnancy, I fought the urge to ask them not to get too excited because I was only 6 weeks along-sure that something would go wrong with the pregnancy. My inability to live in the moment may have been a safe place for me to feel in control, but it was robbing me of so many moments that I deserved to find joy in.
In 2012, I don’t have any resolutions, ask any person in a crowded gym on January 2nd waiting in line for a treadmill how they feel about resolutions. Instead, I resolve to live my life differently, to set on a path of lifelong change, no matter if it takes me until the end of 2012 or 2027 to complete. I resolve to live my life without feeling the need to control it. To have faith that I am strong enough to deal with any situation that may come my way, without the need to be in constant preparedness for it. I resolve to give up control, realizing life isn’t mine to control. I will forgive myself when things don’t work out as I planned, I will allow myself to say no to things without it being a direct reflection of me being a bad person or not caring. I will take care of myself, as well as I care for others, I will be kind to myself and forgive myself quickly, I will enjoy life in the moment and will stop anticipating despair. I will live life on life’s terms and embrace the never-ending changing landscape of life, trusting that it is all part of the plan. I will find hope in the unknown.
In 2012, I will focus on all the things I am grateful for, and will soak up every moment of joy that comes my way, which I know will be in abundance.
Happy New Year everyone, may your 2012 and beyond be filled with joy in abundance and the wisdom to see it for all it is.
xo
M.I.A.
August 15th, 2011 § 3 Comments
Maybe it is a bad case of Writer’s Block, but I’ve been missing in action for quite some time and I apologize profusely, I know how much you must have missed me, admittedly, I’m quite miss-able. Work days have stretched from 8 to 12 hours these past few weeks and I have been running around like a crazier person than normal. On top of that, it is hard to blog about anything of substance when you are hiding something of the upmost substance. I am publicly coming out of the closet to tell you that I am pregnant! And, should you not believe me, I have 14 pregnancy tests (all positive) to prove it. Turns out when you get an overly obsessive, type A woman pregnant, you get daily pregnancy tests, incessant Googling on various random symptoms, and a litany of complaints about how fat they’re getting. I know, if only my husband knew beforehand. So, it goes without saying that I am a dream to live with since getting pregnant. Who knew I could become so in tune with every ache, pain and stomach bubble, so much so that even the smallest twinge can wake me from sleep and send me into a panic of emotions. If you think I am crazy, I’m not alone. Not too deep into the world wide web, there are thousands of women who post about everything from thinking they can sneeze their baby out, to women who think any cramp and ache is an impending miscarriage. If there is one thing I have become overly aware of these past 3 months, it’s that pregnant women are crazy. And I, am a certified pregnant woman.
In the very first weeks I went from thinking it was all in my head, to obsessing over my new super power of being able to pee on pregnancy sticks and make them turn positive. The only thing that kept me sane in between the weeks of finding out I was pregnant to my first OB appointment was knowing that no matter how unpregnant I felt, I could still prove I was through the power of pee. I’m still shocked there isn’t more done once a woman finds out she’s pregnant. At week 4, as soon as I knew, I called my doctor’s office and told them the news. Contrary to how it played out in my head, “Mrs. Hunt that is wonderful news, we will send a town car to your house tomorrow afternoon to gingerly take you to our office where we will hook you up to machines so you can see the baby straight away!” Instead it was more like, “We will see you in 6 weeks, oh and congrats.” Which added to the looming thought in my head that medical folks don’t treat you like your pregnant, until you prove to them that you are serious about growing a baby in your belly. So, for weeks I struggled with fatigue, nausea, insomnia and a shrinking wardrobe hoping that with every trip to pray to the potty Gods, I was one step closer to good news.
Here is my journey thus far in photos:
Somewhere between week 10 and week 11, picture me in a dressing room sobbing hysterically, saying over and over again, “Something isn’t right, I shouldn’t be this huge so soon!” Followed by 30 minutes of trying to compose myself so I could leave the dressing room. Which was then followed by me walking to my car with my jeans unbuttoned exposing my butt crack because by 1:00 in the afternoon, without fail, I turn into a pumpkin, bloating and all. When does the beautiful glow of pregnancy start?
But last week, I got to see the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on, already I am in love, and while ultrasounds of other babies make me think of aliens, all I could see in mine was the cutest little button nose and the most perfect hand I have ever laid my eyes upon. So many weeks to go and I am already smitten with something that is currently no larger than a plum.
Tuesday Covet Compliments of Mrs. Press
June 7th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
Far from being those ugly bolero jackets on mother of the bride dresses, this wrap is to die for! Though it resides far, far away in Australia, it is perfect for a touch of sparkle to wear with a wedding dress and after the wedding, to be worn with summer dresses and skinny jeans. Makes the $350 price tag almost swallow-able.
Find this little diddy here.
