Marshmellow Fluff

My first exposure to “internet dating” was back when I was 12 and had opened my first AOL account.  Immediately after picking my screen name I was prompted to chat on a message board with other AOL members.  Eager to join my new found community, I sat quietly in anonymity watching the conversation hum along.  I wasn’t in the chat more than a minute before someone typed my user name and said hello.  Within minutes he was flirting with me and asking me questions that were well beyond my 12 years. 

After that incident, it took close to 20 years for me to consider internet dating a viable and sane option. 

Internet dating has evolved from a sketchy scene to a more reputable one that Dr. Phil even endorses.  While I would have rather held out for Oprah’s seal of approval, I didn’t have that kind of time. 

I had just gone through a bad breakup, traveled a lot for work and realized that if I wanted to meet someone, I needed to put the effort in to do so.  I had focused on my career for the past 10 years and had been successful professionally, I reasoned that if I were to pursue dating with that same passion, I would be equally as successful.  

Living in LA, it is difficult to meet anyone who isn’t obsessed with looks and themselves.  The shallowness and hollow LA scene had messed with my head and I lost all hope to ever find “the one”.  I hit rock bottom one morning while walking to get my Starbuck’s and a homeless man hit on me.  For one split second I thought, “well, I guess he is kind of cute.”  I knew something had to be done as my standards were dipping precariously low.

I looked for a dating website I thought had the highest probability for attracting guys I would find appealing.  I reasoned that Match.com was the best choice as it required a membership fee.  If a guy had the $99 bucks to drop on virtual dating then chances were good that he also had a job.  Yes ladies and gentlemen, that was what years of dating had reduced me to, the minimalist criteria of just wanting a guy who posessed the ability to use a computer and had a job. 

The hardest part about online dating, besides owning up to it publicly, was completing the ”About Me” section. I struggled with how to convey my casualness toward internet dating, my like ability and my wit all while sounding irresistible but not desperate.  I read other girls profiles and quickly found hundreds of examples of what I didn’t want to sound like. 

I quickly assessed that I didn’t want:

• To start my profile with hi ya’ll
• To mention anything about my cats, purse puppies or refer to myself as a princess.
• To make any reference as to my desire to find my “soul mate”
• To mention frog kissing, prince charming or finding a guy “just like my dad” 

I made sure that each of the pictures were recent, which is a courtesy not always extended by the online community.  Words to the wise, a profile search that returns mullets, big bangs and ray bans are red flags that the person you are talking to passed their peak level of attractiveness in the 80′s.

I searched for girls in my area so I could see how my picture looked in the lineup.  I then tried to reason that my profile pic, sans me in a bikini making pouty lips, would still garner attention and hoped it wouldn’t be lost in the sea of blonde and boobs.

In one week my profile had over 500 views and I wrestled with 200 emails in my inbox.  Within 7 days, I was incessantly checking my profile to see how many hits and new messages I had.  I was hopelessly addicted.  Granted 5% were viable leads to potential love connections but the other 95% proved to be valuable fodder at fluffing my ego. 

In the real world I garnered a few glances from the opposite sex a month, but virtually, I was Cindy Crawford circa that Pepsi commerical she did in the 90′s. 

I quickly learned that in order to survive the online dating scene you must adhere to 5 rules:

1. Be honest even if it is brutally honest.  People go online because they are sick of the dating scene filled with games and elusiveness.  If you aren’t interested in someone tell them as nicely as possible and move on. 

2. Hone your douchebag radar There are a good many of guys online that are just looking to hook up, get laid or get their ego boosted.  These guys are typically easy to spot as their profile pictures are primarily shirtless.  You can also be clued in by looking for over stylized jeans and bedazzled Ed Hardy t shirts.

3. If it he is too eager…let him go One particular guy I met online texted me constantly.  Before we even met he texted every hour, telling me he missed me, how much he liked me and asking me how my day was going .  Even though the attention felt good, it was totally manifested.  Although he never met me he already had me on a virtual leash.  If a guy smothers you before your first date, chances are his attention is less about you and more about his need for validation.  I am no relationship expert but I’m pretty sure this makes for a terrible relationship. 

4. Go on dates, even when you don’t want to.  When I first started online dating I would make up any excuse to avoid meeting someone face to face.  I was terrified that if were I to meet someone and hate them, I would be stuck for a few torturous hours.  After I got over my initial trepidation about going on dates, I realized that most of them weren’t so bad.  I changed my mindset and thought of them more like casual conversations with someone I met and was just being friendly to.  If I imagined it as a date, 9 times out of 10 I would turn my car around change out of my heels and spend the remainder of the evening clearing out the unwatched DVR shows.

5. Keep an open mind.  It is easy to talk yourself out of it.  After all, it requires time,  is uncomfortable, you get tired of being “judged” and it’s exhausting telling people about yourself over and over again.  Stick with it though and eventually you will find someone worth the trouble.